Single and looking for sanity in those ADHD teen years

I usually only post thoughts about my son, but I guess it’s time to peel off some of the so-called protective layers and reveal a little about myself.  I am a single mom with two teenagers, a 13 yr old daughter and a 14 year old ADHD son.  I left my marriage not only because I had lost myself but also because I was beginning to realize that all the calls from school regarding my son were starting to add up to something real and despite the doctors and the diagnosis my husband would not admit that there was a problem with our son.  I saw the writing on the wall and realized that if I didn’t get ‘myself’ back there wasn’t going to be any one there to make sure my son got what he needed to make his way through his life.

Don’t get me wrong, my ex-husband wasn’t a heel or a dead-beat, he just didn’t get it.  So, we now share parenting of the kids with the new addition of his OCD wife……which is a total pain but does lead to some pretty good stories. On a good day it’s humorous to the point of making the families in the hit TV show Modern Family appear functional compared to what is going on in my house, and on bad days it horrendous and lonely and I find myself fluctuating throughout the day between chugging cups of coffee while simultaneously taking little bites of a xanax tablet which in and of itself is kind of insane since the two are diametrically opposed in what they have to offer my body.

Being a single mom with an ADHD kid is beyond challenging.  It was one thing to try to control the chaos when my son was little, but once he surpassed me in height and strength it’s a whole new ball game.  His frustration (and mine) lead to these crazy fights where “because I said so” doesn’t even begin to cut it. The language that comes out of his mouth towards me just blows me away, and the language that comes out of mine leaves me feeling awful and deflated long past the arguments end. What lacks the most in my house is a male voice that would rise above the argumentative words to say that age-old phrase, “DON’T YOU SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY!”  It’s just me and I look like a fool when I try to take on that stance.  Yes, I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I go out and get a boyfriend??  That’s an easy one to answer……..who the heck would ever want to enter into this dysfunction willingly?   It’s hard enough to get past a first date on my own merit, I can’t imagine bringing someone into a house where a request to put the bottle cap back on the gallon size bottle of orange Gatorade that is sitting in the middle of my new white carpet results in a negotiation of global proportions.  Honestly, how would I ever explain to some poor unknowing soul, yep, this is what it’s like around here, grab a dictionary, dust off those debate club skills, brush up on how much your co-pay is for therapy and jump right into MY life.  Hmmmm, don’t see that happening for a while.

Parenting my son in his teen years is one of the hardest things – yes, I’m going to say it…IN THE WORLD – because being a teen is all about needing your own space and wanting your parents to take a back seat…….and we’re talking the WAY back.  Having ADHD and going through the teen years is a total paradox.  They don’t need us any less, in fact with the increased and more important school work (because it is now part of their permanent record) they need us even more, but everything I do is looked at as the ultimate intrusion.  Even asking the simplest of questions like, “would you like a Gatorade or water in your lunch today” gets a reply of “OMG, YOU’RE SO ANNOYING NO WONDER YOU’RE MIDDLE AGED AND CAN’T FIND ANYONE TO LIVE WITH YOU EXCEPT FOR THE TWO CATS!!”  Unfortunately both of his points are spot on,  but really a very over the top response to the question that was asked……not to even go into just plain rude on his part.  Then there’s the social aspect.  It seems like I spent so many years worrying about how he didn’t have any friends except for the ones he was speaking to remotely on his XBox 360, and now that some friends have arrived into the picture, let’s just say none of these guys would ever have been picked anywhere near the beginning of a pick up game.  I just try to smile as they load themselves into the back seat of my car without it ever dawning on them to say hello or utter a word about where they live so I can drop them home…..needless to say it makes for an interesting ride and a lot of U-turns.  The whole thing is really quite a mess and takes up the majority of the space in my mind trying to find the proper balance.

Like I stated before it’s a constant battle and the highs are really high and the low days feel like a very slippery slope straight into the very long and reaching fingers of depression, but I have discovered one truth along the way.  As much as I don’t know what I’m doing from day-to-day, and as much as I yearn for a normal relationship with my son I have learned that despite years of trying all kinds of “new” things to engage him and win him over I have found that the best gift I can give him is a healthy and sane mom.  On some of those bad days I realize that my thoughts keep revolving around my behavior and how or what I could have done better, just plain beating myself up. But you know what, just like all of us moms of ADHD kids out there I did the best I could with the information I had at that particular time.  So my goal now is to just disengage a little bit more, remind him as often as he’ll allow me that I love him and will always be here for him, and then give myself a little bit of credit and get on with the business of trying to find my inner happiness because if I’m happy maybe some of it will rub off on him and happiness is my ultimate wish for this kid.